Screw You Guys, I'm Voting Democrat!

The Cynics' Salon has been out-of-commission for a few days, due to a ranch dip of questionable origin and composition brought in last Thursday by a coworker. While our entire staff was busy becoming very acquainted with our past meals and wondering if our healthcare plans covered death-by-ranch-dip, I had some time to reflect on current events.

Like many people, I, Ryan Lockhart, have an addiction to information. Cable news, internet, blogs, journals, I must have information at my fingertips at a moment's notice. Unlike many people, I recognize this as an addiction, though I make no efforts to seek rehabilitation. I make this statement to say that I fear that I am nearing information overload: a point at which I will be completely paralyzed by the futility of trying to understand what is going on. Perhaps a vacation is in order...one that doesn't involve kowtowing to the porcelain god....

In other news, following on the heels of Ann Coulter's hissy over John McCain not being conservative enough to play in the reindeer games, fellow right-wing pundit Bill Cunningham is now angry with John McCain. In order to introduce John McCain at a rally in Cincinnatti, Ohio on Tuesday, Cunningham, the host of "The Big Show," a nationally syndicated conservative talk radio show, stoked the crowd's enthusiasm by slamming Barack Obama as a "hack Chicago politician," and repeatedly invoking Obama's middle name, Hussein, as a smear. When McCain was informed of this afterwards, he apologized for the remarks, affirmed his respect and admiration of both Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, and stated unequivocally that Cunningham's comments were inappropriate and did not represent the views of his campaign.

And what was Bill Cunningham's brilliant counter-riposte to McCain's chiding? To cry foul. Cunningham claims that his freedom of speech isn't being respected and says that he's so disgusted with John McCain that he's going to support Ralph Nader (or, as some reports seem to indicate, Hillary Clinton).

This makes two high-profile conservatives who, not satisfied with John McCain, have adopted the mindset of, "Screw you guys, I'm voting for Hillary!" One has to wonder how many more Republicans will make this astounding leap of logic: "I don't like my party's candidate, so I'll vote for someone antithetical to my state political beliefs." It's almost akin to last election's phenomenon of liberals threatening to leave the country if George W. Bush was re-elected.

For my part, though I am an admitted Obama-supporter, I hope Coulter and Cunningham and whoever else do express their dissent by voting for Clinton, and if they do just that, I hope that Clinton wins. It will be fun to watch Ann Counter try to explain that one on Fox News after the election.

Cheers,

Lockhart

Comin' back swingin...

Good afternoon peeps.

First and foremost let me say that I am heartbroken and dumbfounded by the tragedy that has happened at Northern Illinois and Louisiana Technical College of Baton Rouge and at the Junior High in California. School shootings are scarily becoming a common occurence in this nation. It is disheartening and scary. One account of this is one too many.

With all this said...I find that I must go on to a more light hearted topic....Socks. Socks created a room...in this room was wall to wall electronics that he himself installed. He so sweetly used "unnecessary wires" from my computer to connect these. They were not unnecessary...my computer crashed and I got deleted. Literally. So now my posts are gone....but if you go to my seperate site which I am starting for when I am in a non-cynical mood The Idealist Salon I have reposted as not to take away from my other co-workers "original" posts. That's right people not only do I get kicked out of the Cynic's Salon, but I get bitched at when I re-post....needless to say my publisist had something to say.

Stay tuned, becuase in my hiatus, I have actually been reading the newspaper. I know!

So I am back...Mel

Observing a Moment of Silence

A horrible tragedy befell the campus of Northern Illinois University yesterday. Our sympathies, thoughts, and prayers will be with the families and friends of the victims, the NIU community, and academia at large. We're all part of the higher ed family.

Valentine's Day--A Smorgasbord of Suck

Valentine's Day.

I've never had a good Valentine's Day. Maybe it all began back in second grade when Colleen McPherson gave Valentines to everyone in the class except me (oh sure, she said she just forgot, but Michael McCabe got one). Maybe it started in high school when I caught Colleen cheating on me with Michael McCabe. Or maybe it's because nobody is really sure which St. Valentine it is we are suppposed to be venerating by the consumption of untold quantities of chocolate covered cherries and chalky hearts. I'm not sure, but suffice it to say that every Valentine's Day has been a festival of disappointment that nearly always ends with me spending time with Philip Morris and Jameson.

There was the time my girlfriend demanded that I buy her a three hundred dollar diamond necklace and a lavish dinner complete with limo service. She dumped me the next day, and I spent the next six months paying off the wasted effort.
There was the cute girl with the cowboy hat with whom I actually clicked, but then she left me for another guy on Valentine's Day. Apparently dip and Wranglers were more to her liking than chianti a conversation about Vivaldi.
And who could forget last year? My date claimed, over veal and pinot noir, to be a mafia princess.

But the all time worst would have to be when I was detained by the FBI in the middle of dinner because my date was wanted in three states on arson charges. Though a close second would be the one who threatened to drown herself in the koi pond of a very nice sushi restaurant because her ex-boyfriend happened to be there with a girl whom she thought was more attractive.

I can definitely pick 'em. My friends say that I have a learning disorder when it comes to women: I never learn my lesson. Perhaps that's why I've never had a good Valentine's Day...they've all been a bit daft. Ryan Star's "Psycho Suicidal Girl," definitely describes my dating life.

Even when I don't have a date for Valentine's Day, I always seem to get drawn into the vortex of someone else's problems. I've had to pick up lady friends who were dumped mid-dinner. I've played designated driver for three very promiscuous couples. I've even had to complete arrange a friend's Valentine's Day plan, only for this friend to blame me when his girl was not interested in him.

A festival of disappointment.

The day seems rather ridiculous to me. The collective stress level of all mankind sky rockets for weeks while we try to plan the perfect Valentine's Day....which of course must be more perfect than last year's Valentine's Day. It seems like a ridiculous waste of energy just to show that you love someone. Shouldn't that person already know that he or she is loved? Do the heart-shaped chocolates, romantic dinners, and elaborate plans figure into some arcane equation that makes one's love for another more real than it is on any other day? It is a mystery that is beyond my ken, and thankfully so because merely trying to understand it would likely deposit me into yet another Valentine's Day disaster.

So for those of you out there with plans--and even those without plans--enjoy your Valentine's Day. I'll be in a corner booth at O'Bannon's keeping my head low and hoping that I don't get pulled into anything catastrophic this year.

Cheers,
Lockhart

Columnist's note: I'm only writing this article because the editor, Johnny "Valentine's Day da Vinci" Masters, is forcing me to do so. He was too busy finalizing his famously extravagant plans for his girl, McKenzie, and Socks refused to write the piece because it didn't involve differential equations or zombies.

Two-Thousand Eight or Nineteen Eighty-Four?

Greetings, all. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face--forever.

Today the Senate voted in favor a bill that extends for six years the broad surveillance powers that Congress approved back in August. Among these are provisions for eavesdropping on foreign-based communications (without a warrant and with no legal approval until after the fact) and legal protection for communications companies that cooperate with the NSA in allowing them to spy upon American citizens without the bother of a warrant. The bill received a lot of support on both sides, as many Democrats are afraid that opposing this agenda of spying upon American citizens would make them appear soft on terrorism. That is another topic entirely.

Allow me to pose a question. Anybody out there read 1984 in high school? Can I have a show of hands?

If you were a good boy or girl and did read George Orwell's tale of a dystopian, totalitarian state, you would, like me, have the creeping willies about how eerily similar to the book our current reality is. I'm not the first person to make this comparison, but I am surprised that more people haven't.

"Big Brother is watching you," the famous tag line from the book...except now Big Brother really is watching you, or listening to your phone calls to Uncle Mahfouz in Morocco, or compelling your credit history and library records. Why? Because Big Brother thinks you're going to harm America. He thinks that you hate America and that you want to obliterate everything that America is.

But is it not a greater harm to "America" to blithely destroy the very freedoms upon which it was founded? Pay attention, Alanis. That is what we call irony. Or, as our stunningly tyrannical Executive Branch would likely say, it is Goodthink (which is assuming that they ever read 1984...or any book at all).

War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength. These are the strictures of Orwell's "Party." This is the sort of Doublethink that we Americans are now being asked to believe. Perpetual war will stop terrorism. Relenting to constant surveillance will preserve our independence. Accepting blatant lies, equivocation, and propaganda as truth is the only way to preserve our society.

Big Brother loves you. So does George W. Bush.

I think I'll sip some victory gin while I wait for the Miniluv to disappear me to Room 101.

Cheers,
Lockhart

Lockhart on the Campaign Trail

Welcome, all, to a new week. I have returned from covering the campaign trail visiting the bars in cities where our politicians are campaigning. All in all, a productive trip, but now the editor is telling me that I have to get back to work, or else he'll be giving Mel my job....

First of all, the Cynics' Salon would like to congratulate Barack Obama on his sweep of the primaries this weekend. Hopefully his momentum will continue. We're also happy to report that the Ron Paul Revolution is all but dead. It would appear that America's voters agree with me in not wanting "The Market" to decide their fates.
Your fanciful ideas of a 19th century republic are over, Libertarians. Wake up and smell the politics of the modern world.

This seemed to pass below the radar a few days ago (and probably for good reason), but I'm going to talk about it anyway.

Ann Coulter is endorsing Hillary Clinton.

You heard that properly. But this endorsement appears to be predicated upon John McCain getting the Republican Party nomination. I have one thing to say to this:

WTF?

We all know that Ann Coulter hates liberals. Hell, she openly and unapologetically advances her agenda of reactionary anti-liberalism in her (numerous and rabid) books. And above all others, Ann Coulter has never had a nice thing to say about Hillary Clinton. Now suddenly she's endorsing Hillary to show how much she hates John McCain? Does she expect her marginalized, fundamentalist core of supporters to continue to take her seriously?

I suppose this just proves that there's no one Ann's not capable of hating. Beware reactionaries, your favorite vile attack dog is capable of turning on you.

Trying to put a positive spin on it, the Clinton camp claims it as proof that Hillary is a unifier. Actually, it goes more to show Coulter's deep-rooted mental illness than Clinton's political appeal.

Cheers,
Lockhart

Cynics' Salon Returns...Somewhat...

Apologies for the long hiatus, everyone. To make a very long story slightly shorter, Ryan has been out on a week-long alcohol bender investigative assignment. I made the mistake of asking Socks to clean the break room, which he took to mean that I wanted him to spend his school loans to install a 42" plasma tv with surround sound speakers. He's been locked in there with the IT squad playing Guitar Hero ever since, living on Easy Mac and bottled water and possibly soiling himself.

All of which left daily operations to Mel and I, and--frankly--someone had to be the suit around here and field all of the telephone and email inquiries. I trust that Mel's attempts at journalism were at least mildly well-received.

Which all means, of course, that we're still lacking any real material because Ryan hasn't sobered up yet, and the locksmith who assured me that he would blow the break room door off of its hinges if necessary has gone home in defeat.

For now, I'll leave you with this thought. Actually more of a picture...a picture of the Peruvian riot police on parade....

Anyone know the Spanish word for "Stormtrooper?"