Lockhart's Day Off

Ryan won the office pool on the BCS Championship last night, correctly predicting LSU's victory over Ohio State by more than a touchdown. Of course, this entitles him a.) to celebration and bragging rights, and b.) to sleep off said celebration and bragging--and hangover.

The task of finding something half-interesting to talk about would normally fall to the entertainment columnist, but he's too busy sulking to be useful. Unfortunately, I can't write. At all. That's why I'm an editor.

Instead, I'll just leave you with a few thoughts.

I read recently that interrogators at Guantanamo were using the music of the Red Hot Chili Peppers to break down prisoners (pardon, "detainees.") Isn't this rather insulting to the Chili Peppers? The theory goes that if you play enough loud, cacophonous music, your subject won't be able to sleep or think straight, and will eventually crack and tell you what you want to know. But the Chili Peppers are neither loud, nor cacophonous. In fact, I rather like to listen to them. If they're going to use music to torture these suspected terrorists, why not use Slayer instead? Or better yet: Bjork. Five minutes of Bjork, and I'd rat on my grandmother.

Secondly, I'd like to make a motion. I move that anyone who drives through a crosswalk while people are walking through it be flogged publicly. It's a crosswalk, for Pete's sake. That means a pedestrian should be able to walk through it without worrying that someone is going to run over his foot...or the rest of his body for that matter.

That's all for today. Comrade Lockhart will return tomorrow. Whether he has anything interesting to say or not will depend largely on whether he gets out of bed at all today.

- L. Jonathan "Johnny" Masters, III